Attachment

I have been thinking about being single as of late, the way we move through life when we either are or are not attached to another person. From the time I was 18 to the time I was 26 I had consistently been dating someone.  Not the same person, but one after another.  First there was J, then C, followed by T, briefly another J and then back to T.  When I was young there was always someone waiting in the wings, a queue of boys to pick from.  On top of that, I always tended to hold on to people for too long.  I should never have gone back to T the second time, I should not have dated any of them for as long as I did.  I spent almost a year single after T.  I was devastated by the relationship.  It had swallowed my early twenties, caused me some of the darkest moments of my life, and left me with a distrust  towards others and an apprehension about letting myself love anyone else.

When I did date again, I chose someone who could not really love me, and who I did not really love.  M was a fantastic and wonderful person, but what he was looking for was an accessory to take to business dinners and present to friends and family.  Someone who was beautiful, good, intelligent, someone he could respect and that those around him would respect and accept.  I was looking for comfort and stability.  Someone who was different from T, someone I could trust.  We both got what we thought we were looking for from the relationship.  We got along well, we widened each others horizon, and we had a great time together, but we did not love each other more than perhaps a brother and sister might love each other.  Perhaps in the beginning we told ourselves there was something more, and maybe we even really believed it, or more likely, we both wanted to believe it because it would make things easier.  For almost two years we stayed together until we just couldn't fake it anymore. We broke up on New Year's Eve, 2009, in Mexico City, 45 minutes before midnight.

It is almost 1 year exactly from when we broke up.  I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness and loneliness for this last year that I've spent single.  I have had some dalliances during that time, but the thing I miss is companionship.  I loved the comradarie that M and I had, bicycling around unknown cities, trying new foods, and all the adventures we had, how he opened me up to such positivity and acceptance.  I miss the openness that I once felt with T, the almost complete understanding of the other we once had, going to concerts together. I think about laying around the apartment or in the hammock with C, reading books, listening to music, discussing politics and art.  I have all these memories of each of them, things I miss.  But mostly I miss having a partner.  That is not to say I haven't really enjoyed myself during this last year. During this period of being single I was not weighed down by the burden of loss and sadness I felt after my relationship with T.   I was able to experience life unencumbered by the expectations of another person and to better get to know myself.

Perhaps I am melancholy because of the holidays, of being alone during a time when you see your family and friends reveling in their attachments.  I'm still scared of commitment.  I get apprehensive about rental leases and car purchases, furniture and possessions, anything tying me to one place.  During the last year any attachment I've formed with the opposite sex has been brief and with someone I knew I would not get attached to.  It has been so easy to catch someone's eye briefly, and then to coldly move on.  I'm anxious for the holidays to pass, to get back into the swing of things during peak period, and to not have the time to dwell on the choices I've decided not to make in the last year.  Part of me is scared for not wanting to make such choices now, at my age.  I turn 29  next month and while some may think this old and others young, it seems like many of the people my age have  made serious life choices and are settling down and starting families.  I was reading through some old postings of mine on Facebook and I saw a note I had posted listing 25 things about me.  One of my things was, "I wish I cared more about personal relationships. I like having the excuse of being too busy with school and work." I no longer have the excuse of school, but I now have the CPA exam I can hide behind.  I wonder why we choose not to get too close?  Why is it that I desire the unattainable, and if by some chance I get it, I quickly lose interest.  It is the same with things; cars, clothes, computers, electronics, furniture. None of it completes us or is more than passingly useful or appreciated.  But love should be deeper and more enduring.  A relationship should be deeper.  Beauty and appreciation of beauty. What is significant? Our relationships?  Aren't they so fleeting?

Friends

One of the nice things about the holidays is that a lot of the people who have moved away come back home to spend time with their families.  Jess came down from New York for the week and we were able to get a group of people together for dinner, then wine at Anna's new place, and finally a bonfire at Rory and Marty's to celebrate both their engagement, and Bobby's birthday.

Beyond the fantastic time I had last night, I was able to spend some time earlier in the week with Jess and Rebekah.  We have all known each other since high school, and Jess and Rebekah have been best friends since that time.  I have to say that in talking to both Bet and Jess, I was so impressed by their friendship and not only how they supported each other, but how they stood up for each other and how well they understood each other.  

Bet and Jess

I have also had a best friend since high school, Andrea. We met in 9th grade English and have been close ever since. I found myself wondering if she and I understood each other on the level that Bet and Jess seemed to understand each other.  Being friends with someone for so long (Andrea and I have been friends going on 15 years) is interesting. There are so many different things that happen in your life: work, school, family, boyfriends. Andrea and I had such different paths after, and even during, high school. There were many times when we wouldn't see or speak to each other for months on end, not because we didn't get along, but just because we were both busy with our own lives.  I think what makes a friend a true friend is what happens when you need a friend.  Whenever life slowed down enough, or one of us was going through a tough time. the other was always there.  Each time we saw each other again, it didn't matter if we hadn't spoken in 6 days, 6 weeks, or 6 months, it was like there had never been a hiatus.  So I guess we do have that sort of relationship.  I'm really glad that we took the time in our 9th grade English class to get to know each other.

Me and Andrea

Procrastination

I am currently on holiday from work, but I started to get sick two days before the holiday began.  I've since spent the majority of my time laying around, watching movies, reading books, or listening to music, and then researching anything that sparked my interest based on that. For example, did you know that the song Yankee Doodle Dandy was originally a song sung by the British during the Revolutionary War by British soldiers who were making fun of Americans. That a dandy/macaroni was what they called ultra fashionable, foppish gentleman of leisure in England.  The British said that the colonists were so backwards that a Yankee Dandy would put a feather in his hat and call himself a maccaroni, or dandy, whereas the English maccaroni style was so much more extreme and over the top. I've spent so much time on Wikipedia, I feel like I should cave to Jimmy Wales appeal for donations.  I feel like the maccaronis, dandies, and fops of the past are our modern day metrosexuals and Jersey Shore gym rats.  But I digress.

"What is this my son Tom?", 1774

Aside from this little fun fact, the truth is, there is so much I should be doing. Like studying for BEC. I have ordered the update from Becker, but it won't be in for another week or so with the holiday.  There is material from the 2010 version that I could be studying, but I haven't started on it since I found out I spent two weeks studying the wrong material.  Instead I've spent time researching useless information and scanning all of my dad's old photos. 

Me with my stuffed snake

Grandpa Ray

Grandma Peggy

Great Grandparents Gertie and Fran with their first five (of 29) grandchildren.  My dad is the oldest one holding the baby.

Picture Pages Pt. 3: Denver

First snowball in 16 years

Skier at Berthoud Pass

The snow is deep!

Beauty

Snowed boots

Snow angels

Backside

To the Nutcracker

Meghan on the way to the Nutcracker

Meghan and I during intermission

The great thing about driving in and around Denver.  

Denver Botanic Gardens Blossoms of Light

Meghan and I at Blossoms of Light

FAR

I passed the first section of the CPA exam.  FAR, the financial section, is said to be the hardest.  I put in a lot of time, and it paid off.  I got an 84.  I had started studying for BEC, my next section, and after two weeks of studying I found out that the test had changed substantially and I was using the 2010 kit. Apparently, the first two sections that I had studied are no longer on the BEC exam.  So a little lost time, but I can order the updated material and start studying.  In the meantime, I've been lazier than I should be with studying since I got back from vacation.  Work has been outrageously busy and I worked at lest 11 hours each day this last week.  I realized I left my book at work as well, so I'll have to go pick that up and then I'll probably spend Sunday studying.

On a goals follow up...I have failed on that account for each one.  Except with counting calories.  I've stayed pretty consistent with that.  Although I drank enough wine last night that I probably blew it for Friday. 

Picture Pages Pt. 2: New York

Graffiti in the bathroom at Vol de Nuit.  Life IS just beginning!

Joseph before Shakespeare's Measure for Measure

Cello player on the platform.

I knew I was ready to move to NYC this day.

Jess and Ken at Kettle Black.  Unlimited mimosas while you eat.

Jess walking Sake down her street. 

Snow flurries!  First time I've seen it snow in 16 years!

Jess and I heading into the city.

Taking it all in, Central Park

Climbing up walls

A kiss from Joseph at Vol de Nuit

A Month Later

EXAM UPDATE

I finished the Financial section of the CPA exam, but the scores have not been released yet.  Scores are likely to be released around mid-December...soon.  The good news is that I felt OK walking out of the exam, the bad news is that feeling OK is no guarantee.  I am currently in Denver, CO, after being in NYC for the first part of the week.  Since I am on vacation, I did not bring the code I need to access my score, as I don't want to focus energy on something I have no further power over. This is the first time I have thought about it since the exam. Studying for the next section, BEC (business) has commenced, with plans to sit in early January.

VACATION UPDATE

I was pretty excited to visit both New York and Denver when it was cold.  In the past, I've only gone when the weather was hot or mild.  Turns out it is currently pretty mild in Denver, but it was pretty cold in New York.  This is my second trip to New York and fourth trip to Denver this year.  It might be time to start branching out as far as destinations go. New York is definitely where I want to live. I already have a list of potential roommates and a list of potential neighborhoods: Brooklyn here I come!  Before the move I'd like to have been with my company for one year, and have finished the CPA exam. I will make this happen.

My new office?!

RUNNING UPDATE

My running has been slacking since I began hardcore studying for the CPA exam, but I've made it out once a week (shame on me).  I just got back from a run in Denver, and at >5,000 feet above sea level and 44 degrees, it was pretty hard on my lungs.  I only went 1.25 miles and I had to take breaks to walk. My goal is to run the 2011 Gasparilla Half Marathon.  I am currently behind where I would like to be, but with dedication I can still do it.

GOALS

I am making the following goals for myself: (1) I will stick to a 1,200 - 1,500 calorie a day diet, staying closer to the 1,200 range (2) Be physically active for at LEAST 30 minutes each day (3) Spend time on Becker at LEAST 5 days a week (4) Spend at LEAST 2 days a week on Rosetta Stone/Spain.

I have already begun my 1,200 calories a day, and I've been pretty consistent about staying on Target.  I did not count calories while I was in NY, but now that I am in Denver I have been tracking again and staying on target.  SparkPeople has been a huge help in not only tracking my calories, but it is good for inputting activities as well.  I probably should hold off on the Spanish lessons until after the CPA exam, but I'm pretty excited about them.    This seems like a lot, when you factor in working and the impending busy season, but I just need to focus myself and concentrate on meeting my goals.  Besides, the Becker goal is only through the beginning of January, and then I'm taking a break for busy season.  I plan on taking the final two exams in either April, depending on how busy we are at work, definitely May, and possibly the final exam in July, since June is a black-out month for the CPA.

Triteness, Insomnia, and Doubts

I went out last Friday night as planned.  After sushi, however, I didn't go home and study, as I had planned.  Instead we all picked up our cars and headed over to Dave's house.  I couldn't help thinking as we followed each other out of the garage in our nice, but not luxurious, vehicles that we were just big kids whose prior hard work and determination had afforded us certain advantages.  In some moments life seems so trite and ridiculous.

I was able to really apply myself this weekend and get 10-12 hours of studying on both Saturday and Sunday.  However, I had underestimated the time it takes to get through Becker.  I was only able to get through 2 sections, not 4 during the weekend.  I had originally requested Monday off to take the CPA exam, but since was behind I decided to still take it off and study some more on Monday.

I could not sleep Sunday night.  I didn't end up going to sleep until 4:30, and then I woke up at 7:30, and again at 9:30.  So I at least got my 5 hours.  Despite this, Monday was a very productive studying day.  I studied for 13 hours and got through a lot and felt comfortable with it.

Last night I could not sleep either.  I was up until 5 am just laying in bed.  At 4 am I reset my alarm for 7:30 instead of 6:30 because there was no way I could make my run in the morning.  When I woke up and got in the shower I thought I was going to fall over, but once I got to work I felt fine.  Unfortunately, I ended up working 10 hours both today and Tuesday, so it cut into my studying time.  The lack of sleep didn't help either.  I couldn't focus on the homework problems or the lectures.  Finally, I just left work, left my laptop, and only brought the textbook.  It's been a while since I looked over the first several sections.

I wish I had prepared better for the exam so that I wasn't cramming in all this material at the end.  I'm disappointed in myself, but not that surprised, as I have always been somewhat of a procrastinator.  Every semester in school, and now for the exam, I tell myself I am going to stick to a program, and stay on schedule, but I end up rushing last minute to get things done.  I get by, but I could do better and I have the capacity to really understand the material better than I do.  Instead I rely on short-term last minute memory.  I know I retain some of the information.  Certainly, other people seem impressed by my recall, but I feel like it is such a high level, basic understanding, that I am selling myself short.

I guess I'm like that with my running too.  I get so gung-ho about doing things.  Maybe I'm just trying to do too much, have too many balls in the air.  I'm really afraid that I'm not going to pass, everyone already knows I'm taking it, I don't want to have to say I didn't pass.  I also don't want to have to continue to go through the life-sucking process of studying for this exam again.  I still have three more sections after this one.  It would suck to have to take it again.

So my goal is to get some more studying done tonight, and then set my alarm to try and make a jog.  Maybe the insomnia is from a lack of physical activity.   Or guilt.  I have been feeling guilty about where I am with studying, and exercising, and my general health.  I know I impose very high standards on myself, and this is a huge cause of stress and consequently guilt.  But I just feel so unbelievably down when I don't live up to my standards.  Plus, if I'm not happy with myself, I don't want to be around other people.

I guess I have a bit of a cloud over me today.  Just 4.5 more days and then the sun comes out!  I'm done with the exam, I'm done with studying (for a couple of weeks), Thanksgiving will be here, and then I have some trips planned, or to plan, rather. I know where I'm going, just need to make the arrangements.

Fried

That is how I feel.  Particularly, that is how my brain feels. Absolutely fried. Remember those old commercials with the egg: "This is your brain." Crack open the egg and fry it.  "This is your brain on drugs."  It should be "This is your brain after three consecutive 60 hour work weeks and staying up late to study for the CPA exam so that you are only getting 5 hours of sleep a night."

Peak period was supposed to have ended two weeks ago, but we're still going.  We are leaving earlier, but the days still don't stop.  I work nonstop from the time I come in until the time I leave.  During peak, peak period, I was using my lunches to study for the exam, but now that peak period is over and we're supposed to be getting out at 5:30, I've been working through lunch and still staying until 6:30 or 7:00.

This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't coming home and starting on Becker.  I was supposed to take FAR this coming Monday, instead I postponed until the following Monday, which is also the last opportunity to take it this year...before the test changes.  The Becker FAR material is a textbook, a 9 section textbook, and each section has a 4 hour lecture and 4 hours worth of homework problems.  Not to mention practice exams and simulations.  I am just finishing section 5 and I am behind schedule.  As I was starting to do the homework, at midnight after working 10.5 hours today and studying for several hours once I got home, I absolutely couldn't think.

That is where I am now.  Near tears.  I'm just so stressed out.  I can't even try to get through the homework for section 5 of FAR tonight because my brain will not function. Or I can and did try, but it was counterproductive.  I have several due dates tomorrow at work, and half of my team has no work at all.  Which is good because they will be able to take some of the work off my plate, but frustrating because I still have work coming in.  On top of everything else, I haven't been out for a run all week because I was sick Monday through Wednesday, on top of being pressed for time.  I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin today at work.  I've been sedentary for a week now and my body is absolutely in revolt.  It is a horrible feeling.

So there is my rant.  My brain feels all sorts of wired in an approaching insomnia way, and my body is exhausted and confused and ansty.  I am going to attempt to go to sleep for 6 hours and then wake up for a run.  Then I will go to work tomorrow, parcel out my work so that our whole team can flex out early, finish the homework for section 5, and then go out for the sushi and sake happy hour I haven't been to in weeks to unwind.  Then I can get home around 8 - 8:30, start on section 6, and then go to bed.  Saturday I will sleep in and then this weekend, if I can get through 3 sections, I will be in good shape.  If I can get through 4 it would be amazing.  I will take care of my body, my mind, and my nerves.  BREATH.

Picture Pages Pt. 1

This is just cuteness.  My mom's sweet dog, Iris.

Sunset from the office window.  We have a great vantage point, but it is still a little sad.

Made it out early enough to catch the sunset on my run.

Getting more adventurous with my salad.  Added some frozen blackberries to my yogurt. 

 I am loving my salads.  This has spring mix greens, peppercorn turkey breast, orange peppers, grape tomatoes, feta, and dried cranberries, and it will have honey mustard dressing, of course.

Can't Stop Moving

A couple of weeks ago I asked my mother what Courtney and I were like when we were my niece's age (7, almost 8).  She said she couldn't remember.  My mother used to have a lot of migraines.  Some days she would just lay on the couch for the entire day with the lights off.  My mother said that the one thing she remembered about Courtney and I from that time was that we never stopped moving, we were just like blurs in her peripheral vision and that it was hard when she was having migraines.

So I have a desk job...and I still don't like to sit still.  I get very antsy at work and for the last 7 years of working a desk job, I have come up with ways to move.  I drink a lot of water, so I have to get up several times to refill my glass, and subsequently, use the bathroom.  I've taken walks around the block on my breaks.  I run up and down the stairs, and go to the printer, and organize and put away files.  Anything to find an excuse to move when I have a minute of downtime.  

We were recently in our slow period and because I had so much extra time I would just get up and walk around the office.  Get some coffee, wash my coffee mug, fill my water, get a snack, walk to say hi to someone, do some work, print my files to the printer on the other side of the office, get my papers, do some work, get some more water, use the bathroom....and on it went. Luckily, I am extremely efficient when I am completing my work.  Really, I am very good at my job.  

I was having lunch with a coworker, B, the other day and had asked him to join me for a walk after we ate.  While we were walking b looked at me and point blank asked, "where do you go when you're not at your desk?" This is the first time someone confronted me about my wandering.  I was a bit taken aback..."I don't know. I just walk around the office."  

Maybe it is time to reign in my wandering before other people start to notice.  My only consolation is that B probably notices what I do more than other people at the office since we're friends and he sits behind me.  Also, I don't wander when we are busy, only when I don't have something I could be doing.

Staying on Track

What a crazy week it has been.  Peak season is upon us once again.  Luckily, I was able to avoid weekend work, but I did log 50 hours this week.  In public accounting we have the equivalent to the "freshmen 15." I'm trying to stay active despite the workload and avoid the busy season weight gain that comes as a result of long sedentary days and the unhealthy dinners that the company orders when we work late.  I missed my run on one of my 10 hour days, mostly because I gave in and ate the BBQ pulled pork they brought in for dinner.  Something about BBQ, baked beans, and mac n' cheese just doesn't lend itself to running.  The next day I finished my work quickly and thought I would be able to get out early enough for a run, but we ended up getting a work request in at 5:30, so I ended up working 12.5 hours.  I had told myself I wasn't going to make excuses for not making healthy choices, so I changed into my running clothes in the parking garage and headed out for my run.  I didn't end up getting there until 10 PM, but my route is well lit and even at 10 PM there are other people out for walks/jogs/bike rides.  I could tell that I was covering the miles quickly (relative to me) and felt really good about it. 

I've also been getting excited about the lunches I've been packing in my Go Green Lunchbox, which I bought as part of a fundraiser for my nieces' school.  The new designs are decidely more childish than some of the old designs, but I guess I did buy a children's lunchbox.  The design of my lunchbox is a black and white houndstooth, which they no longer carry.  I've been using this lunchbox for a while, and lately I've been trying to eat healthier, so the lunch box is convenient and there is enough room for not only my lunch, but also for snacks throughout the day. 

Here is my lunch on Thursday, that is the first day I decided to start taking pictures of my lunch:

 The side salad compartment is actually where a stainless steel drink holder goes. 

My mom has been making chicken salad and keeping it in the fridge.  I love my mom's chicken salad and it is easy to throw into a pita with some romaine for lunch.  I got her to begin using plain greek yogurt in the chicken salad instead of mayo.  She adds a little bit of honey to the yogurt to sweeten it up. There is salad dressing at the cafeteria at work, so I can grab some honey mustard there.  This was the first time I brought a salad in my lunchbox.

I liked the salad so much that I made it my main course the following day:

Now I just need to think of more ideas for my lunches. 

In addition to making myself go for my runs and focusing on what I eat (trying to stay on track especially where snacking is concerned), I have set a running goal for myself.  Last year I was signed up for the Gasparilla half marathon which I didn't end up running because I hurt my knee shortly before the race.  The next race is coming up in February and I would really like to be able to run it this time.  Last year before the race I was up to 9 - 11 mile long runs, I'm currently at three and a half miles, so I've got some work ahead of me.  I also need to add strength work to my currently all cardio regime.  I've noticed that making these changes makes a huge difference in my energy level, my confidence level, and and my overall happiness.  I just get so down and slow when I make poor choices.  I need to remind myself of that when I'm feeling lazy or my work orders the delicious sugar cookies or cakes from Wright's.

Under the Pillow

I seriously need to do laundry.  Formerly, when I lived in a place with a washer and dryer, I was really good about keeping up with the laundry.  But when I moved into an apartment without a washer/dryer, I began to hoard dirty laundry.  It would pile up until I was out of underwear (and I have a lot of underwear), forcing me to go to either my sister's house (she has three girls and a never ending pile of laundry) or my mother's house.  My mother's house was usually a better bet because she worked late and had cable.  I didn't even have a TV, so cable was a real treat...hours of food network to watch.  Plus, if the last load was taking too long to dry, and I was tired and had to wake up for work the next morning, my mom would fold the last load and she would send me home with a lunch to take to work the next day. Score!  She would  even fold my underwear, which as I said, there is a lot of.  The first time my mom folded my laundry she asked if I changed my underwear several times a day (depends if I workout, but really just twice a day, that's normal, right?).

So I have since moved in with my mother (go 28 year old me!), and thus have full-time access to a washer and dryer.  My laundry is still piling up, but one advantage of living with my mom is that she washes my towels and robe when she does a load.  So, I was posting about under the pillow...I am at the point where I have a huge pile of laundry in my basket, and while I am not yet out of underwear, I am out of workout clothes and pajamas. Pajamas were what I was actually looking for, since I've been wearing nothing but my robe for the past several hours (total house outfit of choice, since I no longer live alone and naked is no longer an option) and it is time for bed.  So I look in the drawer and I don't have pajamas...then I remembered they were under the pillow.

Why do I keep my pajamas under the pillow?  Because I over think way too many things.  As mentioned above, I generally prefer to be sans clothing when I am at home by myself (unless I'm cooking), and I also prefer to sleep naked.  One night, while laying in bed naked, it occurred to me that should something happen, such as a fire, I would have to run out of the house naked, and how embarrassing would that be?   One possible option I considered was just wrapping up in a sheet and running out of the house if necessary.  However, should I grab my blanket to run out with, there would be a good possibility it would drag and either (a) catch on fire or (b) get caught on something, and in both scenarios, I would still end up outside, naked, and possibly cold (although this is Florida, so maybe not cold).  From that point forward, I began neatly folding a tank top or t-shirt and boxers and keeping them under my pillow (because the end table might be too far to reach during a fire).

Sure enough, I lifted up my pillow and found my pajamas.  Then I remembered the story of how it came about that I started leaving my pajamas under my pillow and decided to share it.  It is much like the story of why, from the age of 12, I began almost exclusively wearing my hair in a ponytail.  But that is another story.

An All-In Great Weekend

I had a really great, albeit, contemplative weekend.  The weather has begun to cool off a bit and spending time outside has become much more enjoyable (this is Florida, so the weather cools down here a bit later).

Despite my fabulous weekend, Thursday was a little weird for me.  I have been single now for about 6 months, prior to this I had one other period of my dating life (approx. 12 years total) where I was single for a year.  The first period of being single I was just so massively distraught and down about the way in which my (3 year) relationship ended, that even though I missed companionship, I was not in a place to even think about dating anyone else.  When ending my (2 year) relationship this time around, which is actually the only relationship I've had since the terrible break-up relationship prior to this, things ended rather amicably in a "we're both ready to move on" kind of way.  When I ended the relationship I did want to move on, preferably to something casual and easy where needs could be met and that would be fine, with no other expectations. However, I tend to not be the type of person that forms loose attachments to guys I am only so-so about. I want to feel like someone I am with can be more than someone I am with right now, even if I am not intent on having more in the relationship at the time. I found my few ventures into casual relationships to be disappointing and decided that for the time being I am happy being single, and enjoying life, and not searching for something or someone. My life has settled into a comfortable routine in which I have many non-"relationship"-y relationships, that is, I am finding more time for both friends and family.

Thursday I stayed late to study at the office and then met Andrea out for a free concert downtown after receiving a phone call from her.  I wasn't in the mood to go out, and probably should have heeded this.  All the nights I have gone out despite not really wanting to ended badly, but usually because I drank too much.  I went to meet Andrea at her pseudo-boyfriend's place downtown so we could walk to the concert. I ran into many friends that night, old and new, but all of my interactions with people felt forced and uncomfortable. I guess I just wasn't in a people mood that night.  It also didn't help that the people I was with were paired off for the evening and I ended up feeling like the odd man out.  I turned down invitations to go for drinks after the concert from each of the old friends that I ran into and simply headed home.

Friday we had a team lunch planned for work, which would pair my old work team with our new senior and manager in a social setting for the first time.  We had been working on the new team for a couple of weeks and the transition had been tough.  To be fair to the new senior and manager, they had a lot to live up to, we all loved our old team and our old senior and manager.   Lunch was good and our manager really made an effort to get to know us outside of a work environment.

We needed to do some planning for a Halloween decorating contest at work so after a long lunch, some of my team members and I headed to the store to pick up some supplies.  It was a nice little break from work, especially considering how busy we are going to be coming into peak period. I am lucky to work with the people I do. Working for a big accounting firm can be stressful and intense and frustrating, but the people you work with are usually great. The camaraderie balances the culture, as do the non-peak periods when we all get to relax, and take long lunches, and plan how to decorate the office. After getting back from lunch, we got very little work done until it was time to go home.

After work some coworkers and I headed out for sushi, and ultimately sake.  We ate some delicious food and then decided to go out for a drink, before deciding to head to C's house to drink in a more relaxed environment.  We ended up picking up some beer and chips and  playing board games until 2 am.

Saturday I had plans to decorate the office and to meet up with Andrea to go to the street market.  I collected some tree branches from my mom's brush pile and picked up Andrea, who was going to help us decorate before we went to the market.  It was pretty interesting getting through security at the building with bundles of brush, but we were able to get in to decorate successfully.

After decorating, which ended up taking longer than anticipated, we headed to get something to eat outside at a great little crepe cafe, and then walk around the little village before doing some shopping.

Andrea got a hat and I got some scarves and then we walked to the Saturday market so I could find some pumpkins to carve.  After shopping I went to pick up Josie and drop Andrea off.  At which time Josie and I decided to carve some of the pumpkins I just got.  We had a great time, but unfortunately my older niece was a little disappointed that she did not get to carve a pumpkin too.  Luckily I bought extra pumpkins.  Looks like that will be another special Aunt Bear day.  [Sidenote: my nieces are obsessed with the Ghost Buster's lately.  Josie was doing the Ghost Buster dance for me while we carved pumpkins and telling me all about Slimer. Then I saw Jewel mentioned Ghost Busters in her 'disappointed' blog above.]

We also prepared another decoration that I was going to include in the office decorations.  Which I've since used to scare a couple of people.  

Taking that guy into work on Monday should be interesting.  

Sunday was another beautiful day.  I rode my bike to my sister's house so we could walk to the Sunday market (Fall is such a great time for outdoor markets in Florida).  We took her three kids and her oldest daughter's best friend with us and they collected seeds on the way for their nature journals. We must have run into a dozen people we know both walking to and walking around the market.  Living in a small neighborhood within a big city definitely has it's advantages.  

Not My Inspiration

During my last relationship, with someone who was very physically fit and active, I channeled much of my frustration with the relationship into also being physically fit.  Not that I wasn't fit before, I just began to identify myself more as 'this is what/who I am'.

A race M and I ran in AZ while visiting his family.

I was going to the gym several times a week, running, bicycling, and swimming.  I liked my body, and I loved the way I felt. I thought it was great that I could beat my personal records, and hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back up in one day, and go cycling in all the cities I visited. I was building up mileage, I could run pretty far and at a decent pace.  After running for half a year it wasn't uncommon for me to finish in the top of the middle of the pack.  Which was good enough for me.  I even got a couple of hats and division medals...or one of each, but who's counting?

When my relationship ended I sort of went off the deep end in terms of lifestyle.  I started going out more, making new friends, spending time with other people, and just generally not working out.  Add to that going out to eat and drinking, and I gained 10 pounds and lost muscle tone. 

It has been about 5 months since I stopped working out regularly.  I still get out every once in a while, but I definitely do not have the same level of fitness I once had. Since the time I stopped running several people have come up to me and told me how far they are running now, and that they never ran or worked out before, that they are training for this or that race.  Half marathons, 10K's, 10 miles...  Frankly, I am jealous.  These are people who told me I inspired them to start running, and I'm not even running 5K distances anymore. 

I am so glad people used my running as their impetus to start running.  I had people who were my inspiration to start running, and I always felt like it was a gift.  It is such a good feeling when you accomplish a longer distance, or finish a race faster than you expected to.  Hopefully they can now be my inspiration to start again, and then I can thank them for giving such a great gift to me.

After a race with some of the people who inspired me to start running.  I am on the left.

How it Started

I realized at some point when I was young that people were right when they told me I could be anything I wanted.  Well, they were almost right...I am not a good singer and I don't have rhythm.  But I did recognize that I had the capacity to accomplish most of the things I set my mind to.  At 10, I was fairly certain that I would go into business law, because I didn't want to deal with criminals and I would never be an ambulance chaser (I read a lot of John Grisham at the time).  The only problem was that as I got older, I no longer knew what I wanted to do.  Circumstances with my family life had changed, negatively, and law school seemed out of reach.  I was admittedly lost for a while. 

However, I am extremely stubborn and contrary: I like to prove people wrong.  When I was a screw up in high school, and then afterwards as I sort of floated around and partied, people began to think that I wasn't going to amount to much more than a party girl.  So I dumped my friends and started college and I made sure that I had a 4.0 GPA.  The problem then was, I still didn't know what I wanted to be.  I was still interested in the idea of going into business, and teaching also seemed attractive because I would have summers off. 

I had started working in accounting after I got promoted from customer service.  My then boss and mentor, while acknowledging that I was adept at what I did, stated that he just didn't think I was cut-out to be an accountant. He even set up meetings between him and his lawyer friends to try and sway me away from accounting.

Because I read, "you wouldn't be a good accountant," when I should have read, "why would anyone want to be an accountant," I got my bachelor's and then my master's in accounting.  So now I'm working for a Big 4 accounting firm.  I'm getting ready to take the CPA exam, and all I can think is, "Why the eff am I an accountant?"  I still want summers off.  I'm more interested in having free time to do fun things, than in working 4 busy seasons a year and not having a weekend four months of the year, at least.  So that is where I am now, and this is how it started.