Breastfeeding Weenie

I'm the biggest weenie. I've been home by myself each week since Brian travels for work. Since we only moved here 6 months ago and I've been working from home, I haven't met anyone. Since I have a brand new baby, I don't get out a lot. I was feeling super lonely today so I decided to take Quinn on a walk downtown. She is six weeks and has been fussy in the sling, so I decided to try out the stroller, which she seemed to enjoy. We walked through the park and down the street.

On the way back I decided to stop by the coffee shop and grab a coffee. When I got inside there was another young family in the shop, and they had a little baby. The little boy had baby legs on and was very cute. When the grandfather asked how old Quinn was I told them 6 weeks and asked how old the boy was and he turned out to be two months. So then Quinn started fussing in the stroller so I took her out and the mother complimented me on her diaper cover and asked me what kind it was. Yay! This is another CDing mom, she has a two month old, and is in my small town, I could have a friend! So then Quinn wanted to eat and I froze...I didn't have a nursing top on and I wasn't sure about pulling up my t-shirt to try and feed Quinn since I didn't have a blanket with me. I considered nursing Quinn anyway, but I got too scared. I grabbed a lid for my coffee and headed out, right after I had sat down, and right after the family had talked to me. I must have seemed like the biggest snob! As I was walking home I debated just turning back around, sitting my butt down in the coffee shop and feeding Quinn, and trying to start a conversation with the lady. Instead I continued home feeling like a huge weenie.

Mother Identity

I have been a mother for 5.5 weeks now. It has been exceptionally rewarding, but tough getting used to.

Going places is daunting, dealing with diapers, feedings, fussiness in public. One thing that has been tough for me as a first time mom is always being hyper-aware of what other people think. Even if people ask me her name, or look at how I've dressed her, I get somewhat anxious about what others will think. I suppose I just need to find my identity as a mother, and join that to my previous identity. It is fine when I am at home, I feel that I am now comfortable with being a mother and responding to Quinn's needs. However, when I am out in public, I don't yet feel comfortable in my "mom" role, I feel like a bit of an imposter mother. I also feel very disconnected from my former identity. While I like that we're no longer living in Florida, I am missing all of the friends that I had there, and I feel like having that network would make the transition between my former self and mothering self easier. I can create a mothering identity here, but that leaves my former identity neglected. I'm sure I will be able to work all of these feelings out, it will help when I can start doing the things I used to do. At 6 weeks, the YMCA will allow babies in childcare. Once I can get back into the gym, then I think I will feel more like my old self. Perhaps I can set a goal and find a race to enter in the area. I would also like to find some more social activities. I've gone to LLL meetings, and it is nice to talk to other people, but I need to make sure I participate, at some point, in other type of former self activities. Another thing that has me worried, is that I don't have a job lined up for when I go back to work yet. I need to take the ethics course (again, I took the wrong course last time) and resend my CPA paperwork in. Then I COULD start looking for a position, but I'm not planning on going back to work until March 1. After being out of work for almost two months, I'm already feeling a little weird and disconnected from my professional self. It is an interesting transition, becoming a mother. I have the most perfect, beautiful little girl that I love and I love spending time with her, but on the same note, I feel like I am losing some of my identity otherwise. I think that is exacerbated by the fact that I don't live by anyone that I know, I don't work...I'm just not around people.

Quinn's Birth

I've struggled with writing Quinn's birth story and as I am now out almost three weeks (well two and a half) from her birthday, the details seem less important, and having this perfect little girl is what really matters. My thoughts on the birth are a bit convoluted in the first place. Everything up to the pushing part was easier than I expected. Pushing and delivering the baby was harder than I expected, and I have the battle scars to prove it. I guess I assumed that because my sister didn't tear, I wouldn't either. That was an incorrect assumption. The post natal period is scary and emotional. You have this perfect little baby that you love more than anything and you have no idea what you are doing. She cries and makes noises and you don't know what to do or if those noises are normal (massive congestion, sneezing, coughing) or if your perfect baby is sick. You have to feed her, and neither of you really knows what you're doing. Oh, and surprise, breastfeeding hurts! But all the literature says breastfeeding should NOT hurt...so what are you doing wrong? (It turns out breastfeeding does hurt, until you break in your nipples, then it will stop hurting. However, breaking in your nipples can take several weeks, and latching on pain feels like excruciating burning and you may want to just rip your kid off your nipple, but instead you have to just grit your teeth until it goes away. Engorgement isn't so great either, imagine someone taking both of your breast and wrapping rubber bands around the entire breast until you start to lose sensation, that is pretty much what engorgement feels like.) On top of all that, everyone around you has advice and opinions about what and how you should do things. You value that advice, but at the same time, it feels like a criticism of what you're not doing right with your baby. Needless to say, there are random bouts of crying, on your part, as well as the baby. To help me process both my feelings about labor and delivery, and my feelings pot partum, I made a birth video using pictures my sister took. On a daily basis (and often more than that) I watched this video because it made me think of the wonderful parts of labor and delivery. The support I had from Brian, the moments in between contractions when I could relax and anticipate meeting my little girl, the little jokes and smiles, the intensity of the contractions, and the sweet, sweet moment when I held Quinn for the first time, and the intensity of love I felt in that moment for the little creature I was holding. Because I'll be quite honest, in the following days, I wondered if I loved her enough to be a good mother, and if I could provide for her, and I felt sad about the sorry state my lady parts were in, and how painful it was. This video helped me to relive the wonderful moment my life changed forever, and to know that it was worth all of the pain, discomfort, and uncertainty. So the whole story doesn't matter, just the emotion of the whole experience, and I feel like that was captured in the video.

CPA Exam: DONE

91 on Audit!~  CPA Exam is finished!  I now have met all the education requirements, have a signed and notarized experience affidavit, and have all of my signed and notarized moral character vouchers.  Now I just need to transfer my scores to North Carolina, complete the Ethics course, and file my paperwork.  Luckily, my work offers the NC Ethics Course for CPE credit, and I have to finish up some CPE by the end of June to meet some work CPE requirements, so I will be working on that hopefully next week.  I started it previously and then got really busy with work. So, so, close, but I should have everything completed and sent in before Quinn arrives.

AUD

I've posted a lot in the past about taking the CPA Exam.  I should have easily finished all of the exams by now, but between being sent to Minneapolis for 3 months to work, moving, getting pregnant: I still have one exam to go, auditing.  I believe I posted that I had been studying with B for REG, I passed with an 87, which is amazing. I took Audit, my last test, and decided I didn't really need to study that much for it, so I stretched it out over several months, barely paying attention, spent the two weeks prior to the exam reading 7 different books, for a bit of casual reading, and lo and behold: I got a 65.... Not really surprising.  So now that I have moved, I'm going to retake AUD at the end of May.  If I don't pass this time I will lose FAR.  I've done very well on all of my prior exams with the exception of audit, for which I clearly did not prepare, so I'm hopeful that I will be able to pass.  I was in the mid 80's for the other three exams on the first go 'round with an 84 in FAR, an 86 in REG, and an 87 in BEC (I could be mixing up REG and BEC, but I know my scores are 84, 86, and 87).  I'll be happy if I get the passing grade of 75, but it would be really neat if I got an 85, just so I'd have 84, 85, 86, 87.  If I pass this exam, I can apply for my CPA license.  I've already met the education and experience requirements, and I have all of my paperwork filled out and ready to send in. 

B has also finished all of his exams, but he still needs to finish up his education requirements. It seems, however, that with his new job, that may take a little longer than expected.  However, he is really liking his new job and he is excited to possibly also study and sit for the CISA exam and also to take some programming courses.  If he does that, he will really increase his earning potential.  There are not that many people who can speak both programming/IT and accounting, and those that can: can charge very well for their services.  It would be a dream job for B too, he gets big time nerd turned on about coding and setting up programs and formulas for various things.  He is like a little boy with a new video game... I would love if he continued to follow the path he is on, and he is very excited about it.  It would be great if we could, in the future, use both of our skills to start our own contracting business creating and implementing accounting programs for companies.

We're so excited about our future and about continuing to accomplish our goals.  I'm finding my focus that I had with the first three exams, and that I sorely lacked for my first AUD rodeo.  Hopefully, in June I will have some very good news!

Quinn's Room

I mentioned in my "update" post that B and I were living in North Carolina.  We moved when I was four months pregnant.  B got a job within our company doing risk assurance (think auditing with IT) which pays more and has a lot more opportunities.  I was supposed to start a client facing auditing position July 1, but after finding out we were pregnant, I opted to take a temporary work from home position with my department back in Tampa.  After maternity leave I will either be a) applying for a position with our company in NC or b) applying for a position with a private company.

Since getting to our new house, I've had the luxury of being able to start planning for and putting together Quinn's bedroom!  So I thought I'd share some pictures of what we have so far.

I put some of her newborn clothes in the crib to get a sense of the size she'll be when she makes her appearance.

Our basic premise for her room was no theme and nothing too babyish.  We based our choices off the red Nerdy Bears artwork I bought from an art show in Tampa.

Our other inspiration came from the elephant painting I did when I was 10, so basically our colors are red and green.  This also worked out because B and I had purchased some special gifts for each other that will match the red and green.  I have a stuffed green pig, from Angry Birds, that B bought me, and he has a stuffed I Heart Guts red plush heart...the organ, that I bought for him. as well as a green plush Kermit the Frog I got him.

We decided to keep a bed in here as well, since we only have  two bedrooms and want a place for guests to sleep when they come.  We'll most likely just put them in our room and sleep in here if that is the case.

Whoa, I forgot I had a blog!

It has been a long, long time since I posted and a lot has changed....most significantly, this is what I look like now:

22 weeks pregnant (5 1/2 months)

How did this happen?  Well, you know how...but the who is more interesting.  As I read back  through my posts, I could tell I was starting to talk about him more and more, or at least, think about him a lot more, and the "him" was "boy workout and running partner," who I first mentioned back in Oct. 2010.  Turns out he kept track of my whereabouts because he liked me!  We both started in the same hiring class back in June, and after hanging out within a group of friends, we quietly went on our first date for my birthday to go to dinner and rock climbing with some friends, and then we hung out afterwards by ourselves and really hit it off.  This was after I started getting frustrated because I liked him, and he liked me, but we weren't communicating that to each other in the right way. I remember when I KNEW he was the one for me.  We had been hanging out a lot and could talk about anything with each other.  Completely open, no shame, no embarrassment.  I was talking to him in the car one day and realized I had never felt this level of comfort and openness with anyone, and I knew that was it.  So after some initial misfires (he actually first asked me out sometime in October or November of 2010, I said no, I don't know why), we finally made it work by February 2011!  It is now almost May 2012 and we're starting a great adventure together in North Carolina, preparing for our very welcome, surprise little girl, Quinn Elinor.