I went out last Friday night as planned. After sushi, however, I didn't go home and study, as I had planned. Instead we all picked up our cars and headed over to Dave's house. I couldn't help thinking as we followed each other out of the garage in our nice, but not luxurious, vehicles that we were just big kids whose prior hard work and determination had afforded us certain advantages. In some moments life seems so trite and ridiculous.
I was able to really apply myself this weekend and get 10-12 hours of studying on both Saturday and Sunday. However, I had underestimated the time it takes to get through Becker. I was only able to get through 2 sections, not 4 during the weekend. I had originally requested Monday off to take the CPA exam, but since was behind I decided to still take it off and study some more on Monday.
I could not sleep Sunday night. I didn't end up going to sleep until 4:30, and then I woke up at 7:30, and again at 9:30. So I at least got my 5 hours. Despite this, Monday was a very productive studying day. I studied for 13 hours and got through a lot and felt comfortable with it.
Last night I could not sleep either. I was up until 5 am just laying in bed. At 4 am I reset my alarm for 7:30 instead of 6:30 because there was no way I could make my run in the morning. When I woke up and got in the shower I thought I was going to fall over, but once I got to work I felt fine. Unfortunately, I ended up working 10 hours both today and Tuesday, so it cut into my studying time. The lack of sleep didn't help either. I couldn't focus on the homework problems or the lectures. Finally, I just left work, left my laptop, and only brought the textbook. It's been a while since I looked over the first several sections.
I wish I had prepared better for the exam so that I wasn't cramming in all this material at the end. I'm disappointed in myself, but not that surprised, as I have always been somewhat of a procrastinator. Every semester in school, and now for the exam, I tell myself I am going to stick to a program, and stay on schedule, but I end up rushing last minute to get things done. I get by, but I could do better and I have the capacity to really understand the material better than I do. Instead I rely on short-term last minute memory. I know I retain some of the information. Certainly, other people seem impressed by my recall, but I feel like it is such a high level, basic understanding, that I am selling myself short.
I guess I'm like that with my running too. I get so gung-ho about doing things. Maybe I'm just trying to do too much, have too many balls in the air. I'm really afraid that I'm not going to pass, everyone already knows I'm taking it, I don't want to have to say I didn't pass. I also don't want to have to continue to go through the life-sucking process of studying for this exam again. I still have three more sections after this one. It would suck to have to take it again.
So my goal is to get some more studying done tonight, and then set my alarm to try and make a jog. Maybe the insomnia is from a lack of physical activity. Or guilt. I have been feeling guilty about where I am with studying, and exercising, and my general health. I know I impose very high standards on myself, and this is a huge cause of stress and consequently guilt. But I just feel so unbelievably down when I don't live up to my standards. Plus, if I'm not happy with myself, I don't want to be around other people.
I guess I have a bit of a cloud over me today. Just 4.5 more days and then the sun comes out! I'm done with the exam, I'm done with studying (for a couple of weeks), Thanksgiving will be here, and then I have some trips planned, or to plan, rather. I know where I'm going, just need to make the arrangements.
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