Attachment

I have been thinking about being single as of late, the way we move through life when we either are or are not attached to another person. From the time I was 18 to the time I was 26 I had consistently been dating someone.  Not the same person, but one after another.  First there was J, then C, followed by T, briefly another J and then back to T.  When I was young there was always someone waiting in the wings, a queue of boys to pick from.  On top of that, I always tended to hold on to people for too long.  I should never have gone back to T the second time, I should not have dated any of them for as long as I did.  I spent almost a year single after T.  I was devastated by the relationship.  It had swallowed my early twenties, caused me some of the darkest moments of my life, and left me with a distrust  towards others and an apprehension about letting myself love anyone else.

When I did date again, I chose someone who could not really love me, and who I did not really love.  M was a fantastic and wonderful person, but what he was looking for was an accessory to take to business dinners and present to friends and family.  Someone who was beautiful, good, intelligent, someone he could respect and that those around him would respect and accept.  I was looking for comfort and stability.  Someone who was different from T, someone I could trust.  We both got what we thought we were looking for from the relationship.  We got along well, we widened each others horizon, and we had a great time together, but we did not love each other more than perhaps a brother and sister might love each other.  Perhaps in the beginning we told ourselves there was something more, and maybe we even really believed it, or more likely, we both wanted to believe it because it would make things easier.  For almost two years we stayed together until we just couldn't fake it anymore. We broke up on New Year's Eve, 2009, in Mexico City, 45 minutes before midnight.

It is almost 1 year exactly from when we broke up.  I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness and loneliness for this last year that I've spent single.  I have had some dalliances during that time, but the thing I miss is companionship.  I loved the comradarie that M and I had, bicycling around unknown cities, trying new foods, and all the adventures we had, how he opened me up to such positivity and acceptance.  I miss the openness that I once felt with T, the almost complete understanding of the other we once had, going to concerts together. I think about laying around the apartment or in the hammock with C, reading books, listening to music, discussing politics and art.  I have all these memories of each of them, things I miss.  But mostly I miss having a partner.  That is not to say I haven't really enjoyed myself during this last year. During this period of being single I was not weighed down by the burden of loss and sadness I felt after my relationship with T.   I was able to experience life unencumbered by the expectations of another person and to better get to know myself.

Perhaps I am melancholy because of the holidays, of being alone during a time when you see your family and friends reveling in their attachments.  I'm still scared of commitment.  I get apprehensive about rental leases and car purchases, furniture and possessions, anything tying me to one place.  During the last year any attachment I've formed with the opposite sex has been brief and with someone I knew I would not get attached to.  It has been so easy to catch someone's eye briefly, and then to coldly move on.  I'm anxious for the holidays to pass, to get back into the swing of things during peak period, and to not have the time to dwell on the choices I've decided not to make in the last year.  Part of me is scared for not wanting to make such choices now, at my age.  I turn 29  next month and while some may think this old and others young, it seems like many of the people my age have  made serious life choices and are settling down and starting families.  I was reading through some old postings of mine on Facebook and I saw a note I had posted listing 25 things about me.  One of my things was, "I wish I cared more about personal relationships. I like having the excuse of being too busy with school and work." I no longer have the excuse of school, but I now have the CPA exam I can hide behind.  I wonder why we choose not to get too close?  Why is it that I desire the unattainable, and if by some chance I get it, I quickly lose interest.  It is the same with things; cars, clothes, computers, electronics, furniture. None of it completes us or is more than passingly useful or appreciated.  But love should be deeper and more enduring.  A relationship should be deeper.  Beauty and appreciation of beauty. What is significant? Our relationships?  Aren't they so fleeting?