Last Caress by the Misfits was stuck in my head the other day and I was explaining to my friend how my twin sister and I used to blast it so loudly in the house when we were in high school. I remember it felt like such a release. I was trying to explain to him how I was such an angry teenager, and for people who didn't know me then, that is a pretty hard concept to wrap their head around. So as I was trying to explain to him why I was so angry as a teenager, the word that came out was lonely.
Back when I was in high school, we often did not have a phone connected. If we lived in our own place, it was small and cramped and packed with furniture and belongings we didn't have room for. Even if I did have a phone to call someone, I wouldn't want them at my house because I'd be too embarrassed. It was also not uncommon for us to have very little food. I remember being at lunch during school and everyone would be eating and sharing with each other or taking food from each other. I was always afraid to ask for some of their food because I thought they might figure out that I was really hungry. It was all so isolating.
Back when Court used to blast the Misfits we were living in our sister Amy's house. Meghan, Courtney and I didn't have a bedroom because the spare room was packed with our furniture and boxes. The 3 of us would take turns sleeping on the couch and the other two would sleep on the floor. I remember the heat didn't work so during the winter we would light a fire in the fireplace and by the morning we'd be practically on top of each other and the fire would have burnt out. One night I decided to sleep in the bathtub because the bathroom had a ceiling space heater but I woke up with the worst backache. It was the reverse during the summertime. No matter where we lived it seemed the A/C and/or heater either did not work at all, or did not work efficiently. Before moving into Amy's living room, we briefly lived in this single wide trailer during the summer months, and the A/C did not work. It was like being in a sardine can. There were 5 of us living there (my Mom and three sisters and I) and the thermostat would often top out at 100 degrees. I would take several showers a day because I was constantly covered in sweat. I just can't imagine having any of my friend's from school knowing how we lived. Now it seems so trivial, all of that. But this song, despite the lyrics, still makes me happy, because it makes me think of dancing around with my sisters in the living room, not caring a whit about any of the things that made me feel so alone. The Trainspotting soundtrack is the same way.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Updates
Fat Tuesday? Ash Wednesday? Lent? No dairy, no meat lasted about a week and a half. Then I realized I was hungry ALL the time and decided to go back to my normal diet, which was actually healthier.... So another fail on things I try to do.
Also, I mentioned earlier (during my busy season/studying post) that I was trying to get my company to sponsor us for the Gasparilla Distance Classic. I was able to get the company to sponsor us, there was actually already a gentleman in the office who was organizing it, so I worked with him, and my department and I think we ended up with about 20 people from my department who signed up for the race. I ended up doing the 15K instead of the 5K, and the corporate team I was on came in 1st place!
We also had an end of busy season bowling event for my department, and my bowling team won highest score and most creative name, which was "I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter." I only have one picture from the bowling event, but there are more, so I'm going to try and get copies of them.
I have continued to work out, and dropped down to minus 9 pounds since I began working out again in December. I've kind of plateaued at minus 9 pounds and decided I needed to start mixing up my work outs. Instead of doing classes with the girls from work, I started working out in the morning with a boy, sometimes boys, from work doing strength training. I've added to that runs during the week with said boy from morning work out and another boy (not from the morning work out) whom I also work with. I am still staying at the same weight, but there is a difference in my body and I can tell I am much stronger. I also recognize that I have severe body image issues. I find I obsess way too much over how I look, so I'm trying to work on that issue, but really I think just being healthy will help it. At least my obsession leads to mostly healthy behavior and not harmful behavior (beyond the fact that I spend too much energy focusing on body image). I just have to watch what I say in front of my nieces as I don't want them to experience the kind of self doubt and obsession that comes with low self body image.
I received my scores back from the last section of the CPA exam, BEC, and I scored an 87. I have now completed two sections (I also completed FAR with an 84), and have begun to study for REG. My strength training/running friend from work is also taking REG next, so for the first time I am studying with someone else. This both helps me to focus, when we're studying, and distracts me from starting to study. But we've actually kept up a good pace through the materials and should have plenty of time to final review together before we take the exam. Still no date set for when I am going to sit.
Since the gift of the ring, I've tried to contact Mark just to talk to him. I do miss him and I wish he hadn't completely shut me out of his life. Still no reply from him on any of my messages. *sad face* So I was just Facebook creeping his page, and really, just old photos that I posted of when we were together and I came across our last picture as a couple. This picture was taken on New Year's Eve in Mexico City, literally hours before we broke up. How is that for life documentation, we don't look so happy.
Also, I mentioned earlier (during my busy season/studying post) that I was trying to get my company to sponsor us for the Gasparilla Distance Classic. I was able to get the company to sponsor us, there was actually already a gentleman in the office who was organizing it, so I worked with him, and my department and I think we ended up with about 20 people from my department who signed up for the race. I ended up doing the 15K instead of the 5K, and the corporate team I was on came in 1st place!
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| Jesse and I at the end of the 15K |
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| George, Dave, Anthony, Jessica, myself, and Brian |
I have continued to work out, and dropped down to minus 9 pounds since I began working out again in December. I've kind of plateaued at minus 9 pounds and decided I needed to start mixing up my work outs. Instead of doing classes with the girls from work, I started working out in the morning with a boy, sometimes boys, from work doing strength training. I've added to that runs during the week with said boy from morning work out and another boy (not from the morning work out) whom I also work with. I am still staying at the same weight, but there is a difference in my body and I can tell I am much stronger. I also recognize that I have severe body image issues. I find I obsess way too much over how I look, so I'm trying to work on that issue, but really I think just being healthy will help it. At least my obsession leads to mostly healthy behavior and not harmful behavior (beyond the fact that I spend too much energy focusing on body image). I just have to watch what I say in front of my nieces as I don't want them to experience the kind of self doubt and obsession that comes with low self body image.
I received my scores back from the last section of the CPA exam, BEC, and I scored an 87. I have now completed two sections (I also completed FAR with an 84), and have begun to study for REG. My strength training/running friend from work is also taking REG next, so for the first time I am studying with someone else. This both helps me to focus, when we're studying, and distracts me from starting to study. But we've actually kept up a good pace through the materials and should have plenty of time to final review together before we take the exam. Still no date set for when I am going to sit.
Since the gift of the ring, I've tried to contact Mark just to talk to him. I do miss him and I wish he hadn't completely shut me out of his life. Still no reply from him on any of my messages. *sad face* So I was just Facebook creeping his page, and really, just old photos that I posted of when we were together and I came across our last picture as a couple. This picture was taken on New Year's Eve in Mexico City, literally hours before we broke up. How is that for life documentation, we don't look so happy.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Fat Tuesday
I'm the worst non-practicing Catholic ever....I just realized today that tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. Even though I no longer go to church, I still try to give something up for Lent each year. It is more an exercise in will power than anything else. I decided to give up meat and dairy for lent, but not fish. So what did I do today...ordered pizza and chicken wings for dinner. I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel sick tomorrow....
Saturday, March 5, 2011
If you like it then you should a put a ring on it...just not after the fact
Life is comical. As long as I look at it that way I should always be happy. I've had the weirdest morning and I could approach it two ways: I choose to appreciate the hilarity of life.
I woke up at 7 AM, in a chair at my friends house, hungover. I had a phone call from my twin sister that our mother had been arrested for a DUI, and could I go post her bail. She would have, but she doesn't want to drag her daughters to a bondsman and then the county jail on her eldest daughter's 8th birthday. I have several missed calls, my head is pounding, and I'm also still feeling the vestiges of last nights shots, which I was goaded into by some youngsters just out of college who guessed my age at 22/23 instead of 29. I let my friend know that I had to run and headed to my sisters house to wish my niece a happy birthday and to chat with my sister about the plan of attack on springing our errant mother from jail. When I get to my sister's house, she had a gift for me, from my ex boyfriend, whom she and her family had met up with for dinner the previous night. Mark and I dated for two years and broke up just over a year ago. He has refused to speak to me since then, but I still send him the occasional message to which he does not reply. I open a large box wrapped in My Little Pony wrapping paper to find a very beautiful box...
And then there is bonding my mother out of jail. Weird, weird day when that isn't the highlight. I've got to say, I've never picked anyone up from jail before and it was a bit embarrassing to explain that I was there to pick up my mother. But when she finally got released and walked out in a tshirt that said "Pit Bull Mom" on it, I had to just shake my head and laugh at how this whole situation was playing out.
She ended up missing the birthday party anyway because she was in booking all night and didn't get any sleep. But I did get her in time to make it to the birthday party myself. Luckily my nieces didn't ask why grandma wasn't there. What a conversation that would be...my crazy life. It is never dull.
I woke up at 7 AM, in a chair at my friends house, hungover. I had a phone call from my twin sister that our mother had been arrested for a DUI, and could I go post her bail. She would have, but she doesn't want to drag her daughters to a bondsman and then the county jail on her eldest daughter's 8th birthday. I have several missed calls, my head is pounding, and I'm also still feeling the vestiges of last nights shots, which I was goaded into by some youngsters just out of college who guessed my age at 22/23 instead of 29. I let my friend know that I had to run and headed to my sisters house to wish my niece a happy birthday and to chat with my sister about the plan of attack on springing our errant mother from jail. When I get to my sister's house, she had a gift for me, from my ex boyfriend, whom she and her family had met up with for dinner the previous night. Mark and I dated for two years and broke up just over a year ago. He has refused to speak to me since then, but I still send him the occasional message to which he does not reply. I open a large box wrapped in My Little Pony wrapping paper to find a very beautiful box...
And in the box is a ring....
An engagement ring that I saw in an antique shop on a vacation in New Orleans over a year and a half ago. Apparently, Mark had called the shop after we got home, had them hold the ring, and then flew back out to New Orleans to pick it up. So he had this ring for another 6 months or longer that we dated after that vacation. So now I have an engagement ring, from someone who will not talk to me, and who said they would never get married. Life is funny like that.
And then there is bonding my mother out of jail. Weird, weird day when that isn't the highlight. I've got to say, I've never picked anyone up from jail before and it was a bit embarrassing to explain that I was there to pick up my mother. But when she finally got released and walked out in a tshirt that said "Pit Bull Mom" on it, I had to just shake my head and laugh at how this whole situation was playing out.
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| Oh, mother.... |
She ended up missing the birthday party anyway because she was in booking all night and didn't get any sleep. But I did get her in time to make it to the birthday party myself. Luckily my nieces didn't ask why grandma wasn't there. What a conversation that would be...my crazy life. It is never dull.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Born to Run
I started reading Born to Run by Christopher McDougall when it was given to me by one of my friends who I inspired to run, and has since ran more, and become more dedicated than I am (although I'm working on that).
Since December, I started working out again, my confidence is back, I feel happier all the time, and I've lost 7 lbs. On top of all that, I recently, this last Saturday, finished a 15K and beat my goal of 10 minutes per mile to finish in 1:29:41 for an average pace of 9:37. Not fantastic, but it is good for me considering the lackluster 2010 I've had as far as working out. This was all while working 60 hour weeks.
I haven't finished the book yet, but it is absolutely fantastic so far. I'm so impressed with the running community, the atmosphere of races and the environment which runners operate in. I wanted to start running because I loved the community of runners. Now it has become a challenge, a stress reliever, and a way to zone out and unplug from working all the time. Work life balance is crazy in public accounting, half the year you're so busy that you don't see your friends or family, and the rest of the time everything is laid back (to a certain extent) and you have time to go on vacation, relax, and enjoy life. We recently finished working 60+ hour weeks, and I'm actually more worried about staying motivated to work out now that we have more time. It was easy when we worked all the time because if I didn't work out once or twice a day, then ALL that I did was work. I've begun making more and more connections with people I work with to meet up and run or go to the gym, work-out dates, if you will, to motivate me to keep going.
So the book...ultra marathoners. How amazing to ask your body what it is capable of and then pushing beyond what people thought was possible. Man originally hunted by chasing down its prey until it was too tired to continue running away. The raramuri are still like this, they have never given up running as a form of transportation, as a way of life. And there are still people in the United States who ask, and get, from there bodies exactly that kind of performance.
One of the things that I find the most touching and motivating is determination and great success in things ventured because of said motivation/determination. That is why I love pure competition, pushing one's self to the limit and succeeding, and continual improvement. Going to races, sports movies, the Biggest Loser, Championship games, bootstrapping in unique ways to overcome the odds. In a way, this is what this book is about, but not even, I suppose. It is about people who do things because they LOVE to do them. Because they want to know where the limits are and then push them even farther.
What makes the individuals written about in Born to Run different from me? What can accomplish I if I apply myself and work hard. If I push myself beyond the limits I've known up until now? And can I do it? Am I focused enough, or will I be distracted by everyday life, by the things I feel need my attention now so that I can make the "right" choices in life. The reason I went to business school instead of art school. The reason I work at a public accounting firm instead of travelling the world. Are these the same things that are going to always hold me back. The things that make me afraid to take such a leap and be damned the consequences.
In Born to Run Mcdougall talks about how Caballo Blanco, Jenn Shelton, and Billy Barnett made the decision to pursue their passions because, what the hell did they have to lose? That is the type of freedom I want in life. To be comfortable enough to make decisions because, why not? Lets make it work.
Since December, I started working out again, my confidence is back, I feel happier all the time, and I've lost 7 lbs. On top of all that, I recently, this last Saturday, finished a 15K and beat my goal of 10 minutes per mile to finish in 1:29:41 for an average pace of 9:37. Not fantastic, but it is good for me considering the lackluster 2010 I've had as far as working out. This was all while working 60 hour weeks.
I haven't finished the book yet, but it is absolutely fantastic so far. I'm so impressed with the running community, the atmosphere of races and the environment which runners operate in. I wanted to start running because I loved the community of runners. Now it has become a challenge, a stress reliever, and a way to zone out and unplug from working all the time. Work life balance is crazy in public accounting, half the year you're so busy that you don't see your friends or family, and the rest of the time everything is laid back (to a certain extent) and you have time to go on vacation, relax, and enjoy life. We recently finished working 60+ hour weeks, and I'm actually more worried about staying motivated to work out now that we have more time. It was easy when we worked all the time because if I didn't work out once or twice a day, then ALL that I did was work. I've begun making more and more connections with people I work with to meet up and run or go to the gym, work-out dates, if you will, to motivate me to keep going.
So the book...ultra marathoners. How amazing to ask your body what it is capable of and then pushing beyond what people thought was possible. Man originally hunted by chasing down its prey until it was too tired to continue running away. The raramuri are still like this, they have never given up running as a form of transportation, as a way of life. And there are still people in the United States who ask, and get, from there bodies exactly that kind of performance.
One of the things that I find the most touching and motivating is determination and great success in things ventured because of said motivation/determination. That is why I love pure competition, pushing one's self to the limit and succeeding, and continual improvement. Going to races, sports movies, the Biggest Loser, Championship games, bootstrapping in unique ways to overcome the odds. In a way, this is what this book is about, but not even, I suppose. It is about people who do things because they LOVE to do them. Because they want to know where the limits are and then push them even farther.
What makes the individuals written about in Born to Run different from me? What can accomplish I if I apply myself and work hard. If I push myself beyond the limits I've known up until now? And can I do it? Am I focused enough, or will I be distracted by everyday life, by the things I feel need my attention now so that I can make the "right" choices in life. The reason I went to business school instead of art school. The reason I work at a public accounting firm instead of travelling the world. Are these the same things that are going to always hold me back. The things that make me afraid to take such a leap and be damned the consequences.
In Born to Run Mcdougall talks about how Caballo Blanco, Jenn Shelton, and Billy Barnett made the decision to pursue their passions because, what the hell did they have to lose? That is the type of freedom I want in life. To be comfortable enough to make decisions because, why not? Lets make it work.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Why I love my Twin
So it is my birthday, and that means it is also my awesome and amazing twin sister's birthday. I am feeling a bit nostalgic tonight, so I started looking through some old photos. There are a bunch of me that Courtney uploaded to my Mom's computer in order to make a slideshow for my Master's degree graduation party. I have never looked at these pictures in the folder until tonight. This is the great part, check out the names.
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| "Barge" |
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| "Bear in Bootys" |
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| "Bears" |
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| "Belly Bumbs" |
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| "Bike" |
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| "Birds" |
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| "Blondie and a Brownie" |
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| "Hiking" |
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| "Holy Ship" |
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| "I think Mere rocks" |
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| "Lookalikes" (This is me with her daughter) |
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| "Milkshake" |
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| "Mudfoot" |
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| "Paper" |
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| "Rock" |
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| "Scrabble Cat Butt" |
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| "Shrek" |
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| "Skydive" |
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| "Skin Trip" |
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| "Tinos" |
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| "Travel" |
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| "Traveller" |
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| "Why I'm Jealous of Mere" |
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| "Wine" |
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| "Wubbles" |
I love you, Court. I seriously couldn't ask for a better twin.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Zombie Land
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| Zoning out trying to study after the end of a long day |
I feel the working and studying and working out catching up to me. It might also have to do with the lack of sleep, but that part is normal for me. I am now demanding my brain to actively and rigorously function for 14 hours a day, in addition to demanding an hour of rigorous activity of my body, all with 5, maybe 6 hours of sleep; 7 days a week. I have one more week until the CPA exam, and then I will drop back down to 10-12 hours of brain time, and 1-2 hours of body time for only 6 days a week. That will continue for 8 weeks. Then I'm back to a normal schedule.
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| This is the only time I see my friends |
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| My diet is transitioning to coffee, water, smoothies, yogurt, and vegetable juice. Here is the fallout of that at my desk. |
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| I got tired of being at a desk all the time, so I now study in my reading chair. |
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Sunshine
I've got my pirate shirt ready for what is shaping up into a very nice birthday weekend. Having a birthday in January is not that great when you work in public accounting because it is BUSY in late January. Last year on my birthday I was working in tax and going to school. My birthday was on a Wednesday and I worked at an internship that I had started the week before. I didn't know anyone, and no one knew it was my birthday. I worked until 5:30, and then immediately went to school. My twin sister went out with all of our friends, but I didn't get out of school until 9pm.
This year my birthday is on a Thursday and I have to work 11 hours. On top of working long days, I am taking BEC the Saturday after my birthday. Initially, to get approved to take the CPA exam during busy season (there was an issue with my NTS expiring) I had to agree to come into work after sitting for the exam (if you've taken a section of the CPA exam you know you are just mentally wiped afterward), and then to make up any additional hours the Sunday after that, which would have meant my birthday weekend was going to suck.
Luckily, we had a meeting at 8:30pm before leaving work about possibly working late on Friday, and half a day Saturday morning (when I will be taking the exam) in order that everyone can leave and go to Gasparilla. For those not from Tampa, Gasparilla is a month long pirate festival. Gasparilla time is very neat in Tampa because the city really changes, especially in South Tampa. They put up bleachers along Bayshore Blvd and start blocking off street parking, which isn't so cool, but all of the houses will put up their pirate flags as well. There are so many events, that it seems that everyone has some sort of Gasparilla experience. It includes three parades, a kid's parade, a day parade, and a night parade. The parades are listed in order of the drunken debauchery that takes place from least to most. There is also an Art's Festival and a Distance Classic race series. In addition to getting off for the day parade, I have also submitted a proposal for people from my department to be sponsored by work for the Gasparilla 5K Corporate Team Challenge. The proposal is in the final stages of acceptance, so we should find out tomorrow if it gets final approval.
All in all, I've been on a really positive keel lately. Work is busy and that can be stressful. I can see some of my nervous habits cropping up. I've been rubbing my face and picking at any little scab or loose string or other little oddity I come across. This caused me to breakout last week, but even that hasn't got me down. The weather has been beautiful this last week and I've been using my lunch breaks to study at the park. It is weird how sometimes I am just so positive and outgoing and content, and then for a little while I just get down and a little quiet and introverted. I'll take the quiet times for weeks like these. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my continuing to work out. Being active has always made such a difference in my psyche. I know that I let the guilt from being sedentary and making unhealthy choices simmer and corrode my confidence. Now that I've been working out and eating healthier I just feel positive and hopeful. I even saw some ab muscles when I was blow drying my hair at the gym this morning. My stomach is still a little softer than I would like above that, but it felt like the sun coming out from behind the clouds, so to speak.
This year my birthday is on a Thursday and I have to work 11 hours. On top of working long days, I am taking BEC the Saturday after my birthday. Initially, to get approved to take the CPA exam during busy season (there was an issue with my NTS expiring) I had to agree to come into work after sitting for the exam (if you've taken a section of the CPA exam you know you are just mentally wiped afterward), and then to make up any additional hours the Sunday after that, which would have meant my birthday weekend was going to suck.
Luckily, we had a meeting at 8:30pm before leaving work about possibly working late on Friday, and half a day Saturday morning (when I will be taking the exam) in order that everyone can leave and go to Gasparilla. For those not from Tampa, Gasparilla is a month long pirate festival. Gasparilla time is very neat in Tampa because the city really changes, especially in South Tampa. They put up bleachers along Bayshore Blvd and start blocking off street parking, which isn't so cool, but all of the houses will put up their pirate flags as well. There are so many events, that it seems that everyone has some sort of Gasparilla experience. It includes three parades, a kid's parade, a day parade, and a night parade. The parades are listed in order of the drunken debauchery that takes place from least to most. There is also an Art's Festival and a Distance Classic race series. In addition to getting off for the day parade, I have also submitted a proposal for people from my department to be sponsored by work for the Gasparilla 5K Corporate Team Challenge. The proposal is in the final stages of acceptance, so we should find out tomorrow if it gets final approval.
All in all, I've been on a really positive keel lately. Work is busy and that can be stressful. I can see some of my nervous habits cropping up. I've been rubbing my face and picking at any little scab or loose string or other little oddity I come across. This caused me to breakout last week, but even that hasn't got me down. The weather has been beautiful this last week and I've been using my lunch breaks to study at the park. It is weird how sometimes I am just so positive and outgoing and content, and then for a little while I just get down and a little quiet and introverted. I'll take the quiet times for weeks like these. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my continuing to work out. Being active has always made such a difference in my psyche. I know that I let the guilt from being sedentary and making unhealthy choices simmer and corrode my confidence. Now that I've been working out and eating healthier I just feel positive and hopeful. I even saw some ab muscles when I was blow drying my hair at the gym this morning. My stomach is still a little softer than I would like above that, but it felt like the sun coming out from behind the clouds, so to speak.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Working It Out
I joined a gym before the holidays in an attempt to get back in shape. It is so crazy to walk around work and see that everyone has put on 5-10 pounds over the last 6 months, including myself. I went from the best shape in my life to the worst. A combination of long hours and unhealthy food brought in for dinner during the busy season, and having leftovers for lunch the next day with cookies and brownies and snacks. My goal was to lose 5 pounds by my birthday, which gave me 1 month. I am currently down 3, but we'll see if I can keep it off and then some. I sometimes feel myself slipping into busy season eating habits. I have really been enjoying the gym though. Every morning during the week I meet two of my girlfriends from work to take the 6 AM classes. Even though I groan about getting up at 5:20 AM every morning, once I've been up for 5 minutes, I get over the fact that I am up sooo early and I am glad that I have several hours before I have to be at work. Even though I clearly lack coordination (step class was ridiculous, I'm lucky I didn't trip and fall over), I really enjoy pushing myself in class. Then when class is over we have an hour to sit in the sauna, shower, and get ready for work, and we generally spend the whole time talking. By the time I get to work, not only do I feel great because my workout is done, I feel good because I've already been up and socializing for 3 hours. It makes the fact that we're working 11 hour days a little more bearable. Plus, I'm losing weight and getting back in shape!
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