Attachment

I have been thinking about being single as of late, the way we move through life when we either are or are not attached to another person. From the time I was 18 to the time I was 26 I had consistently been dating someone.  Not the same person, but one after another.  First there was J, then C, followed by T, briefly another J and then back to T.  When I was young there was always someone waiting in the wings, a queue of boys to pick from.  On top of that, I always tended to hold on to people for too long.  I should never have gone back to T the second time, I should not have dated any of them for as long as I did.  I spent almost a year single after T.  I was devastated by the relationship.  It had swallowed my early twenties, caused me some of the darkest moments of my life, and left me with a distrust  towards others and an apprehension about letting myself love anyone else.

When I did date again, I chose someone who could not really love me, and who I did not really love.  M was a fantastic and wonderful person, but what he was looking for was an accessory to take to business dinners and present to friends and family.  Someone who was beautiful, good, intelligent, someone he could respect and that those around him would respect and accept.  I was looking for comfort and stability.  Someone who was different from T, someone I could trust.  We both got what we thought we were looking for from the relationship.  We got along well, we widened each others horizon, and we had a great time together, but we did not love each other more than perhaps a brother and sister might love each other.  Perhaps in the beginning we told ourselves there was something more, and maybe we even really believed it, or more likely, we both wanted to believe it because it would make things easier.  For almost two years we stayed together until we just couldn't fake it anymore. We broke up on New Year's Eve, 2009, in Mexico City, 45 minutes before midnight.

It is almost 1 year exactly from when we broke up.  I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness and loneliness for this last year that I've spent single.  I have had some dalliances during that time, but the thing I miss is companionship.  I loved the comradarie that M and I had, bicycling around unknown cities, trying new foods, and all the adventures we had, how he opened me up to such positivity and acceptance.  I miss the openness that I once felt with T, the almost complete understanding of the other we once had, going to concerts together. I think about laying around the apartment or in the hammock with C, reading books, listening to music, discussing politics and art.  I have all these memories of each of them, things I miss.  But mostly I miss having a partner.  That is not to say I haven't really enjoyed myself during this last year. During this period of being single I was not weighed down by the burden of loss and sadness I felt after my relationship with T.   I was able to experience life unencumbered by the expectations of another person and to better get to know myself.

Perhaps I am melancholy because of the holidays, of being alone during a time when you see your family and friends reveling in their attachments.  I'm still scared of commitment.  I get apprehensive about rental leases and car purchases, furniture and possessions, anything tying me to one place.  During the last year any attachment I've formed with the opposite sex has been brief and with someone I knew I would not get attached to.  It has been so easy to catch someone's eye briefly, and then to coldly move on.  I'm anxious for the holidays to pass, to get back into the swing of things during peak period, and to not have the time to dwell on the choices I've decided not to make in the last year.  Part of me is scared for not wanting to make such choices now, at my age.  I turn 29  next month and while some may think this old and others young, it seems like many of the people my age have  made serious life choices and are settling down and starting families.  I was reading through some old postings of mine on Facebook and I saw a note I had posted listing 25 things about me.  One of my things was, "I wish I cared more about personal relationships. I like having the excuse of being too busy with school and work." I no longer have the excuse of school, but I now have the CPA exam I can hide behind.  I wonder why we choose not to get too close?  Why is it that I desire the unattainable, and if by some chance I get it, I quickly lose interest.  It is the same with things; cars, clothes, computers, electronics, furniture. None of it completes us or is more than passingly useful or appreciated.  But love should be deeper and more enduring.  A relationship should be deeper.  Beauty and appreciation of beauty. What is significant? Our relationships?  Aren't they so fleeting?

Friends

One of the nice things about the holidays is that a lot of the people who have moved away come back home to spend time with their families.  Jess came down from New York for the week and we were able to get a group of people together for dinner, then wine at Anna's new place, and finally a bonfire at Rory and Marty's to celebrate both their engagement, and Bobby's birthday.

Beyond the fantastic time I had last night, I was able to spend some time earlier in the week with Jess and Rebekah.  We have all known each other since high school, and Jess and Rebekah have been best friends since that time.  I have to say that in talking to both Bet and Jess, I was so impressed by their friendship and not only how they supported each other, but how they stood up for each other and how well they understood each other.  

Bet and Jess

I have also had a best friend since high school, Andrea. We met in 9th grade English and have been close ever since. I found myself wondering if she and I understood each other on the level that Bet and Jess seemed to understand each other.  Being friends with someone for so long (Andrea and I have been friends going on 15 years) is interesting. There are so many different things that happen in your life: work, school, family, boyfriends. Andrea and I had such different paths after, and even during, high school. There were many times when we wouldn't see or speak to each other for months on end, not because we didn't get along, but just because we were both busy with our own lives.  I think what makes a friend a true friend is what happens when you need a friend.  Whenever life slowed down enough, or one of us was going through a tough time. the other was always there.  Each time we saw each other again, it didn't matter if we hadn't spoken in 6 days, 6 weeks, or 6 months, it was like there had never been a hiatus.  So I guess we do have that sort of relationship.  I'm really glad that we took the time in our 9th grade English class to get to know each other.

Me and Andrea

Procrastination

I am currently on holiday from work, but I started to get sick two days before the holiday began.  I've since spent the majority of my time laying around, watching movies, reading books, or listening to music, and then researching anything that sparked my interest based on that. For example, did you know that the song Yankee Doodle Dandy was originally a song sung by the British during the Revolutionary War by British soldiers who were making fun of Americans. That a dandy/macaroni was what they called ultra fashionable, foppish gentleman of leisure in England.  The British said that the colonists were so backwards that a Yankee Dandy would put a feather in his hat and call himself a maccaroni, or dandy, whereas the English maccaroni style was so much more extreme and over the top. I've spent so much time on Wikipedia, I feel like I should cave to Jimmy Wales appeal for donations.  I feel like the maccaronis, dandies, and fops of the past are our modern day metrosexuals and Jersey Shore gym rats.  But I digress.

"What is this my son Tom?", 1774

Aside from this little fun fact, the truth is, there is so much I should be doing. Like studying for BEC. I have ordered the update from Becker, but it won't be in for another week or so with the holiday.  There is material from the 2010 version that I could be studying, but I haven't started on it since I found out I spent two weeks studying the wrong material.  Instead I've spent time researching useless information and scanning all of my dad's old photos. 

Me with my stuffed snake

Grandpa Ray

Grandma Peggy

Great Grandparents Gertie and Fran with their first five (of 29) grandchildren.  My dad is the oldest one holding the baby.

Picture Pages Pt. 3: Denver

First snowball in 16 years

Skier at Berthoud Pass

The snow is deep!

Beauty

Snowed boots

Snow angels

Backside

To the Nutcracker

Meghan on the way to the Nutcracker

Meghan and I during intermission

The great thing about driving in and around Denver.  

Denver Botanic Gardens Blossoms of Light

Meghan and I at Blossoms of Light

FAR

I passed the first section of the CPA exam.  FAR, the financial section, is said to be the hardest.  I put in a lot of time, and it paid off.  I got an 84.  I had started studying for BEC, my next section, and after two weeks of studying I found out that the test had changed substantially and I was using the 2010 kit. Apparently, the first two sections that I had studied are no longer on the BEC exam.  So a little lost time, but I can order the updated material and start studying.  In the meantime, I've been lazier than I should be with studying since I got back from vacation.  Work has been outrageously busy and I worked at lest 11 hours each day this last week.  I realized I left my book at work as well, so I'll have to go pick that up and then I'll probably spend Sunday studying.

On a goals follow up...I have failed on that account for each one.  Except with counting calories.  I've stayed pretty consistent with that.  Although I drank enough wine last night that I probably blew it for Friday. 

Picture Pages Pt. 2: New York

Graffiti in the bathroom at Vol de Nuit.  Life IS just beginning!

Joseph before Shakespeare's Measure for Measure

Cello player on the platform.

I knew I was ready to move to NYC this day.

Jess and Ken at Kettle Black.  Unlimited mimosas while you eat.

Jess walking Sake down her street. 

Snow flurries!  First time I've seen it snow in 16 years!

Jess and I heading into the city.

Taking it all in, Central Park

Climbing up walls

A kiss from Joseph at Vol de Nuit

A Month Later

EXAM UPDATE

I finished the Financial section of the CPA exam, but the scores have not been released yet.  Scores are likely to be released around mid-December...soon.  The good news is that I felt OK walking out of the exam, the bad news is that feeling OK is no guarantee.  I am currently in Denver, CO, after being in NYC for the first part of the week.  Since I am on vacation, I did not bring the code I need to access my score, as I don't want to focus energy on something I have no further power over. This is the first time I have thought about it since the exam. Studying for the next section, BEC (business) has commenced, with plans to sit in early January.

VACATION UPDATE

I was pretty excited to visit both New York and Denver when it was cold.  In the past, I've only gone when the weather was hot or mild.  Turns out it is currently pretty mild in Denver, but it was pretty cold in New York.  This is my second trip to New York and fourth trip to Denver this year.  It might be time to start branching out as far as destinations go. New York is definitely where I want to live. I already have a list of potential roommates and a list of potential neighborhoods: Brooklyn here I come!  Before the move I'd like to have been with my company for one year, and have finished the CPA exam. I will make this happen.

My new office?!

RUNNING UPDATE

My running has been slacking since I began hardcore studying for the CPA exam, but I've made it out once a week (shame on me).  I just got back from a run in Denver, and at >5,000 feet above sea level and 44 degrees, it was pretty hard on my lungs.  I only went 1.25 miles and I had to take breaks to walk. My goal is to run the 2011 Gasparilla Half Marathon.  I am currently behind where I would like to be, but with dedication I can still do it.

GOALS

I am making the following goals for myself: (1) I will stick to a 1,200 - 1,500 calorie a day diet, staying closer to the 1,200 range (2) Be physically active for at LEAST 30 minutes each day (3) Spend time on Becker at LEAST 5 days a week (4) Spend at LEAST 2 days a week on Rosetta Stone/Spain.

I have already begun my 1,200 calories a day, and I've been pretty consistent about staying on Target.  I did not count calories while I was in NY, but now that I am in Denver I have been tracking again and staying on target.  SparkPeople has been a huge help in not only tracking my calories, but it is good for inputting activities as well.  I probably should hold off on the Spanish lessons until after the CPA exam, but I'm pretty excited about them.    This seems like a lot, when you factor in working and the impending busy season, but I just need to focus myself and concentrate on meeting my goals.  Besides, the Becker goal is only through the beginning of January, and then I'm taking a break for busy season.  I plan on taking the final two exams in either April, depending on how busy we are at work, definitely May, and possibly the final exam in July, since June is a black-out month for the CPA.