Last Caress

Last Caress by the Misfits was stuck in my head the other day and I was explaining to my friend how my twin sister and I used to blast it so loudly in the house when we were in high school.  I remember it felt like such a release.  I was trying to explain to him how I was such an angry teenager, and for people who didn't know me then, that is a pretty hard concept to wrap their head around.  So as I was trying to explain to him why I was so angry as a teenager, the word that came out was lonely.

Back when I was in high school, we often did not have a phone connected. If we lived in our own place, it was small and cramped and packed with furniture and belongings we didn't have room for.  Even if I did have a phone to call someone, I wouldn't want them at my house because I'd be too embarrassed.  It was also not uncommon for us to have very little food. I remember being at lunch during school and everyone would be eating and sharing with each other or taking food from each other. I was always afraid to ask for some of their food because I thought they might figure out that I was really hungry.  It was all so isolating.

Back when Court used to blast the Misfits we were living in our sister Amy's house.  Meghan, Courtney and I didn't have a bedroom because the spare room was packed with our furniture and boxes.  The 3 of us would take turns sleeping on the couch and the other two would sleep on the floor.  I remember the heat didn't work so during the winter we would light a fire in the fireplace and by the morning we'd be practically on top of each other and the fire would have burnt out.  One night I decided to sleep in the bathtub because the bathroom had a ceiling space heater but I woke up with the worst backache.  It was the reverse during the summertime. No matter where we lived it seemed the A/C and/or heater either did not work at all, or did not work efficiently.  Before moving into Amy's living room, we briefly lived in this single wide trailer during the summer months, and the A/C did not work.  It was like being in a sardine can.  There were 5 of us living there (my Mom and three sisters and I) and the thermostat would often top out at 100 degrees.  I would take several showers a day because I was constantly covered in sweat.  I just can't imagine having any of my friend's from school knowing how we lived.  Now it seems so trivial, all of that.  But this song, despite the lyrics, still makes me happy, because it makes me think of dancing around with my sisters in the living room, not caring a whit about any of the things that made me feel so alone.  The Trainspotting soundtrack is the same way.

Updates

Fat Tuesday?  Ash Wednesday? Lent?  No dairy, no meat lasted about a week and a half.  Then I realized I was hungry ALL the time and decided to go back to my normal diet, which was actually healthier....  So another fail on things I try to do.

Also, I mentioned earlier (during my busy season/studying post) that I was trying to get my company to sponsor us for the Gasparilla Distance Classic.  I was able to get the company to sponsor us, there was actually already a gentleman in the office who was organizing it, so I worked with him, and my department and I think we ended up with about 20 people from my department who signed up for the race.  I ended up doing the 15K instead of the 5K, and the corporate team I was on came in 1st place!

Jesse and I at the end of the 15K

We also had an end of busy season bowling event for my department, and my bowling team won highest score and most creative name, which was "I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter." I only have one picture from the bowling event, but there are more, so I'm going to try and get copies of them.

George, Dave, Anthony, Jessica, myself, and Brian

I have continued to work out, and dropped down to minus 9 pounds since I began working out again in December.  I've kind of plateaued at minus 9 pounds and decided I needed to start mixing up my work outs.  Instead of doing classes with the girls from work, I started working out  in the morning with a boy, sometimes boys, from work doing strength training. I've added to that runs during the week with said boy from morning work out and another boy (not from the morning work out) whom I also work with. I am still staying at the same weight, but there is a difference in my body and I can tell I am much stronger.  I also recognize that I have severe body image issues.  I find I obsess way too much over how I look, so I'm trying to work on that issue, but really I think just being healthy will help it.  At least my obsession leads to mostly healthy behavior and not harmful behavior (beyond the fact that I spend too much energy focusing on body image).  I just have to watch what I say in front of my nieces as I don't want them to experience the kind of self doubt and obsession that comes with low self body image.

I received my scores back from the last section of the CPA exam, BEC, and I scored an 87.  I have now completed two sections (I also completed FAR with an 84), and have begun to study for REG.  My strength training/running friend from work is also taking REG next, so for the first time I am studying with someone else.  This both helps me to focus, when we're studying, and distracts me from starting to study.  But we've actually kept up a good pace through the materials and should have plenty of time to final review together before we take the exam. Still no date set for when I am going to sit.

Since the gift of the ring, I've tried to contact Mark just to talk to him.  I do miss him and I wish he hadn't completely shut me out of his life.  Still no reply from him on any of my messages.  *sad face*  So I was just Facebook creeping his page, and really, just old photos that I posted of when we were together and I came across our last picture as a couple.  This picture was taken on New Year's Eve in Mexico City, literally hours before we broke up.  How is that for life documentation, we don't look so happy.