Last Caress

Last Caress by the Misfits was stuck in my head the other day and I was explaining to my friend how my twin sister and I used to blast it so loudly in the house when we were in high school.  I remember it felt like such a release.  I was trying to explain to him how I was such an angry teenager, and for people who didn't know me then, that is a pretty hard concept to wrap their head around.  So as I was trying to explain to him why I was so angry as a teenager, the word that came out was lonely.

Back when I was in high school, we often did not have a phone connected. If we lived in our own place, it was small and cramped and packed with furniture and belongings we didn't have room for.  Even if I did have a phone to call someone, I wouldn't want them at my house because I'd be too embarrassed.  It was also not uncommon for us to have very little food. I remember being at lunch during school and everyone would be eating and sharing with each other or taking food from each other. I was always afraid to ask for some of their food because I thought they might figure out that I was really hungry.  It was all so isolating.

Back when Court used to blast the Misfits we were living in our sister Amy's house.  Meghan, Courtney and I didn't have a bedroom because the spare room was packed with our furniture and boxes.  The 3 of us would take turns sleeping on the couch and the other two would sleep on the floor.  I remember the heat didn't work so during the winter we would light a fire in the fireplace and by the morning we'd be practically on top of each other and the fire would have burnt out.  One night I decided to sleep in the bathtub because the bathroom had a ceiling space heater but I woke up with the worst backache.  It was the reverse during the summertime. No matter where we lived it seemed the A/C and/or heater either did not work at all, or did not work efficiently.  Before moving into Amy's living room, we briefly lived in this single wide trailer during the summer months, and the A/C did not work.  It was like being in a sardine can.  There were 5 of us living there (my Mom and three sisters and I) and the thermostat would often top out at 100 degrees.  I would take several showers a day because I was constantly covered in sweat.  I just can't imagine having any of my friend's from school knowing how we lived.  Now it seems so trivial, all of that.  But this song, despite the lyrics, still makes me happy, because it makes me think of dancing around with my sisters in the living room, not caring a whit about any of the things that made me feel so alone.  The Trainspotting soundtrack is the same way.