Thursday, September 13, 2012
I've struggled with writing Quinn's birth story and as I am now out almost three weeks (well two and a half) from her birthday, the details seem less important, and having this perfect little girl is what really matters. My thoughts on the birth are a bit convoluted in the first place. Everything up to the pushing part was easier than I expected. Pushing and delivering the baby was harder than I expected, and I have the battle scars to prove it. I guess I assumed that because my sister didn't tear, I wouldn't either. That was an incorrect assumption. The post natal period is scary and emotional. You have this perfect little baby that you love more than anything and you have no idea what you are doing. She cries and makes noises and you don't know what to do or if those noises are normal (massive congestion, sneezing, coughing) or if your perfect baby is sick. You have to feed her, and neither of you really knows what you're doing. Oh, and surprise, breastfeeding hurts! But all the literature says breastfeeding should NOT hurt...so what are you doing wrong? (It turns out breastfeeding does hurt, until you break in your nipples, then it will stop hurting. However, breaking in your nipples can take several weeks, and latching on pain feels like excruciating burning and you may want to just rip your kid off your nipple, but instead you have to just grit your teeth until it goes away. Engorgement isn't so great either, imagine someone taking both of your breast and wrapping rubber bands around the entire breast until you start to lose sensation, that is pretty much what engorgement feels like.) On top of all that, everyone around you has advice and opinions about what and how you should do things. You value that advice, but at the same time, it feels like a criticism of what you're not doing right with your baby. Needless to say, there are random bouts of crying, on your part, as well as the baby. To help me process both my feelings about labor and delivery, and my feelings pot partum, I made a birth video using pictures my sister took. On a daily basis (and often more than that) I watched this video because it made me think of the wonderful parts of labor and delivery. The support I had from Brian, the moments in between contractions when I could relax and anticipate meeting my little girl, the little jokes and smiles, the intensity of the contractions, and the sweet, sweet moment when I held Quinn for the first time, and the intensity of love I felt in that moment for the little creature I was holding. Because I'll be quite honest, in the following days, I wondered if I loved her enough to be a good mother, and if I could provide for her, and I felt sad about the sorry state my lady parts were in, and how painful it was. This video helped me to relive the wonderful moment my life changed forever, and to know that it was worth all of the pain, discomfort, and uncertainty. So the whole story doesn't matter, just the emotion of the whole experience, and I feel like that was captured in the video.
Posted by Meredith