Triteness, Insomnia, and Doubts

I went out last Friday night as planned.  After sushi, however, I didn't go home and study, as I had planned.  Instead we all picked up our cars and headed over to Dave's house.  I couldn't help thinking as we followed each other out of the garage in our nice, but not luxurious, vehicles that we were just big kids whose prior hard work and determination had afforded us certain advantages.  In some moments life seems so trite and ridiculous.

I was able to really apply myself this weekend and get 10-12 hours of studying on both Saturday and Sunday.  However, I had underestimated the time it takes to get through Becker.  I was only able to get through 2 sections, not 4 during the weekend.  I had originally requested Monday off to take the CPA exam, but since was behind I decided to still take it off and study some more on Monday.

I could not sleep Sunday night.  I didn't end up going to sleep until 4:30, and then I woke up at 7:30, and again at 9:30.  So I at least got my 5 hours.  Despite this, Monday was a very productive studying day.  I studied for 13 hours and got through a lot and felt comfortable with it.

Last night I could not sleep either.  I was up until 5 am just laying in bed.  At 4 am I reset my alarm for 7:30 instead of 6:30 because there was no way I could make my run in the morning.  When I woke up and got in the shower I thought I was going to fall over, but once I got to work I felt fine.  Unfortunately, I ended up working 10 hours both today and Tuesday, so it cut into my studying time.  The lack of sleep didn't help either.  I couldn't focus on the homework problems or the lectures.  Finally, I just left work, left my laptop, and only brought the textbook.  It's been a while since I looked over the first several sections.

I wish I had prepared better for the exam so that I wasn't cramming in all this material at the end.  I'm disappointed in myself, but not that surprised, as I have always been somewhat of a procrastinator.  Every semester in school, and now for the exam, I tell myself I am going to stick to a program, and stay on schedule, but I end up rushing last minute to get things done.  I get by, but I could do better and I have the capacity to really understand the material better than I do.  Instead I rely on short-term last minute memory.  I know I retain some of the information.  Certainly, other people seem impressed by my recall, but I feel like it is such a high level, basic understanding, that I am selling myself short.

I guess I'm like that with my running too.  I get so gung-ho about doing things.  Maybe I'm just trying to do too much, have too many balls in the air.  I'm really afraid that I'm not going to pass, everyone already knows I'm taking it, I don't want to have to say I didn't pass.  I also don't want to have to continue to go through the life-sucking process of studying for this exam again.  I still have three more sections after this one.  It would suck to have to take it again.

So my goal is to get some more studying done tonight, and then set my alarm to try and make a jog.  Maybe the insomnia is from a lack of physical activity.   Or guilt.  I have been feeling guilty about where I am with studying, and exercising, and my general health.  I know I impose very high standards on myself, and this is a huge cause of stress and consequently guilt.  But I just feel so unbelievably down when I don't live up to my standards.  Plus, if I'm not happy with myself, I don't want to be around other people.

I guess I have a bit of a cloud over me today.  Just 4.5 more days and then the sun comes out!  I'm done with the exam, I'm done with studying (for a couple of weeks), Thanksgiving will be here, and then I have some trips planned, or to plan, rather. I know where I'm going, just need to make the arrangements.

Fried

That is how I feel.  Particularly, that is how my brain feels. Absolutely fried. Remember those old commercials with the egg: "This is your brain." Crack open the egg and fry it.  "This is your brain on drugs."  It should be "This is your brain after three consecutive 60 hour work weeks and staying up late to study for the CPA exam so that you are only getting 5 hours of sleep a night."

Peak period was supposed to have ended two weeks ago, but we're still going.  We are leaving earlier, but the days still don't stop.  I work nonstop from the time I come in until the time I leave.  During peak, peak period, I was using my lunches to study for the exam, but now that peak period is over and we're supposed to be getting out at 5:30, I've been working through lunch and still staying until 6:30 or 7:00.

This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't coming home and starting on Becker.  I was supposed to take FAR this coming Monday, instead I postponed until the following Monday, which is also the last opportunity to take it this year...before the test changes.  The Becker FAR material is a textbook, a 9 section textbook, and each section has a 4 hour lecture and 4 hours worth of homework problems.  Not to mention practice exams and simulations.  I am just finishing section 5 and I am behind schedule.  As I was starting to do the homework, at midnight after working 10.5 hours today and studying for several hours once I got home, I absolutely couldn't think.

That is where I am now.  Near tears.  I'm just so stressed out.  I can't even try to get through the homework for section 5 of FAR tonight because my brain will not function. Or I can and did try, but it was counterproductive.  I have several due dates tomorrow at work, and half of my team has no work at all.  Which is good because they will be able to take some of the work off my plate, but frustrating because I still have work coming in.  On top of everything else, I haven't been out for a run all week because I was sick Monday through Wednesday, on top of being pressed for time.  I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin today at work.  I've been sedentary for a week now and my body is absolutely in revolt.  It is a horrible feeling.

So there is my rant.  My brain feels all sorts of wired in an approaching insomnia way, and my body is exhausted and confused and ansty.  I am going to attempt to go to sleep for 6 hours and then wake up for a run.  Then I will go to work tomorrow, parcel out my work so that our whole team can flex out early, finish the homework for section 5, and then go out for the sushi and sake happy hour I haven't been to in weeks to unwind.  Then I can get home around 8 - 8:30, start on section 6, and then go to bed.  Saturday I will sleep in and then this weekend, if I can get through 3 sections, I will be in good shape.  If I can get through 4 it would be amazing.  I will take care of my body, my mind, and my nerves.  BREATH.