Breastfeeding Weenie

I'm the biggest weenie. I've been home by myself each week since Brian travels for work. Since we only moved here 6 months ago and I've been working from home, I haven't met anyone. Since I have a brand new baby, I don't get out a lot. I was feeling super lonely today so I decided to take Quinn on a walk downtown. She is six weeks and has been fussy in the sling, so I decided to try out the stroller, which she seemed to enjoy. We walked through the park and down the street.

On the way back I decided to stop by the coffee shop and grab a coffee. When I got inside there was another young family in the shop, and they had a little baby. The little boy had baby legs on and was very cute. When the grandfather asked how old Quinn was I told them 6 weeks and asked how old the boy was and he turned out to be two months. So then Quinn started fussing in the stroller so I took her out and the mother complimented me on her diaper cover and asked me what kind it was. Yay! This is another CDing mom, she has a two month old, and is in my small town, I could have a friend! So then Quinn wanted to eat and I froze...I didn't have a nursing top on and I wasn't sure about pulling up my t-shirt to try and feed Quinn since I didn't have a blanket with me. I considered nursing Quinn anyway, but I got too scared. I grabbed a lid for my coffee and headed out, right after I had sat down, and right after the family had talked to me. I must have seemed like the biggest snob! As I was walking home I debated just turning back around, sitting my butt down in the coffee shop and feeding Quinn, and trying to start a conversation with the lady. Instead I continued home feeling like a huge weenie.

Mother Identity

I have been a mother for 5.5 weeks now. It has been exceptionally rewarding, but tough getting used to.

Going places is daunting, dealing with diapers, feedings, fussiness in public. One thing that has been tough for me as a first time mom is always being hyper-aware of what other people think. Even if people ask me her name, or look at how I've dressed her, I get somewhat anxious about what others will think. I suppose I just need to find my identity as a mother, and join that to my previous identity. It is fine when I am at home, I feel that I am now comfortable with being a mother and responding to Quinn's needs. However, when I am out in public, I don't yet feel comfortable in my "mom" role, I feel like a bit of an imposter mother. I also feel very disconnected from my former identity. While I like that we're no longer living in Florida, I am missing all of the friends that I had there, and I feel like having that network would make the transition between my former self and mothering self easier. I can create a mothering identity here, but that leaves my former identity neglected. I'm sure I will be able to work all of these feelings out, it will help when I can start doing the things I used to do. At 6 weeks, the YMCA will allow babies in childcare. Once I can get back into the gym, then I think I will feel more like my old self. Perhaps I can set a goal and find a race to enter in the area. I would also like to find some more social activities. I've gone to LLL meetings, and it is nice to talk to other people, but I need to make sure I participate, at some point, in other type of former self activities. Another thing that has me worried, is that I don't have a job lined up for when I go back to work yet. I need to take the ethics course (again, I took the wrong course last time) and resend my CPA paperwork in. Then I COULD start looking for a position, but I'm not planning on going back to work until March 1. After being out of work for almost two months, I'm already feeling a little weird and disconnected from my professional self. It is an interesting transition, becoming a mother. I have the most perfect, beautiful little girl that I love and I love spending time with her, but on the same note, I feel like I am losing some of my identity otherwise. I think that is exacerbated by the fact that I don't live by anyone that I know, I don't work...I'm just not around people.